Lately I’ve been feeling this persistent, heart-twisting tap. Like a toddler tugging at my leg trying to tell me something except this comes from the inside. The incessant tapping feels a little like torture as it challenges me to change. But, what? I’ve already convinced myself I’ve got everything under control. So I work to stifle its sound but it’s taunting only fades temporarily, all too soon reappearing to remind me to step out of my own way.
Despite the persistent heart-pricks, I’m stubborn and slow to respond. I’d already paused too many times, ignoring its imploring, pride blinding me from its beckoning towards better balance. And without sight, without His insight, my starving soul sat complacent in the midst of His calling.
(Oh, Holy Spirit come, prick my heart harder to show me your purpose!).
You see, when the Holy Spirit starts steering you towards the better, more balanced life the Lord wants you leading, the scales will always tip towards Him. When He carries most of the weight, things fall into place because He defines our days and writes our to do lists.
But wait…my to do lists. He’s already written all over in them! So why such persistent tapping towards tipping my scales? Even amidst all my daily duties, I consistently crossed off each ‘good Christian girl’ to do. I read my Bible, pray, listen to praise music, parent with Biblical purpose, and on and on. Checking things off the list for the Lord…right?
Yet God was challenging me to change. Why?!
Because my Redeemer is relentless!
And God doesn’t give up when He wants His way with us and He doesn’t really care about our lists when we’re not listening.
My ears had been plugged and my eyes wore blinders. You see, I’d already settled on a direction, a theme of sorts, for this year: To stay in step with my Savior and ‘ABIDE’ in Him. That’s where my to do list started, with intention to remain in His presence and experience His peace in the midst of any chaos.
But, have you ever gotten so set in your well-intentioned ways that you’ve missed a turn God wanted you to take?
Well, the turn I trotted right past in my personal pursuits, the misstep causing all that torturous tapping stood boldly. It said: TRUST.
You see, I’d starting facing some seeming unsolvable problems. Situations my to-do list couldn’t solve. I needed to blink back my stubborn, set ways and let the Lord lead. Sure, searching for ways to abide in Him had built me up! But my lovely little self-purposed, protective bubble burst when I realized I couldn’t ‘abide’ all by myself! (News flash, right?)
….Wait, I wonder…Perhaps He built me up in order to burst my bubble….
Either way, chaos interrupted my good intentions. Instead of landing in His hand, I tried to take matters into my own. With conviction and claiming Christ, I imposed my plans on anyone in my path justifying my attitude with Biblical beliefs.
And suddenly I’d made myself the hero of my own home urging everyone to stay in step with me…instead of with the Savior. (OUCH!)
Frustrated by what I viewed as their flawed ways, my attitude subconsciously indicated, “God, just look at them…can’t you get them to see what I’m saying? I’ve spent all day crossing off my ‘good girl’ list so can’t they see I’m providing a home that’s a respite from the world? Why won’t they join me?!”
But, God gives us each our own path and it’s not our job to judge another’s journey. We can, however, cross their paths to be His pawn.
Eventually I realized those taps were telling me to TRUST GOD and turn towards them. So keeping my eyes fixed on Him, I started stepping away from my steady course to hear their hearts, to simply trust and let Him use me.
And you know what? My ‘abiding’ means much more when I’ve abandon my controlled path and crossed into chaos. This so-called ‘good girl’ offers more grace outside of her own space! After all, Jesus set His sights on His Father while He sat with all kinds of souls in the most dismal situations.
The Holy Spirit showed me how focusing on my list sometimes blinds me more than builds me. I heard Him clearly, “Katie…trust and let Him lead…”
Now with a rush of relief, I can say the torturous tapping is gone.
My path looks pretty messy and the seeming unsolvable problems persist. But, trust tells me I’m not the solver. God’s already got every complication covered! If I really want to stay in sync with Him as I struggle outside of my comfort zone, I’ll stick to my list but totally trust Him when He tells me to turn.
As far as finding better balance, I’m handing the scales over for Christ to calibrate. My only jobs are to TRUST, OBEY and PRAY. The rest is in His hands.
Yeah, sometimes trusting God enough to turn onto the path of chaos calms the soul…