Be still, my soul. For the mere thought of it causes quakes inside.
Would I be what or who I am today had I not lost my Beloved? Would I be just what I’m meant to be now without what happened then?
What has death done to me?
I ask with insides quaking and this strange, ironically welcomed heart aching. Greater quaking alongside a gratuitous quieting of my soul shaking. The quiet is God’s hands over my human hopes stilling my soul’s shaking.
Would I like myself as much? Would I parent as purposefully? Would I have learned to love the Lord so out loud and listen in sweet surrender to Christ’s calling if my husband was still here?
The answer is ‘no’, quiet and calm yet confident. No.
These, Friends, are the toughest truths I grapple with. Right here in this white space, I write them plain and real for all to read. Then, I hit ‘send’ before I reconsider confessing these truths of my soul. You have these truths, too, don’t you? The tough truths you tangle with confessing?
I sit here amidst unfolded laundry and unmet deadlines. I wonder what it would be like to have some help. Maybe when my two young girls are old enough to fold I won’t feel so overwhelmed at the end of a week filled with dirty shirts and smudged up sinks. Maybe when I make enough money to hire more help I’ll have time to read the school newsletter top to bottom and write out bills without scribbling.
Maybe, maybe not. Because right now it doesn’t matter. The mess doesn’t matter in this moment of truth! I look at the living room all lived-in, couch loaded with laundry, kids content with each other.
My soul, oh Lord, is still! It’s still with real awareness that You made me for more than this mess. Than the mess of single motherhood….of widowhood….of weariness and restlessness. My soul is still, oh Lord, because I’m making my mess of a life matter. No, Lord, it’s not me. YOU ARE making my mess meaningful!
You see, Sisters, God has made me more of who He wants me to be through my lost love and everything lonely, hard and hurtful that came with it. And for that I stand still and hit send without hesitation or hurt.
Just look at all the messy mountains of lies, lost believers and sinful lifestyles God re-created into His greater good in Bible times. Husbands sleeping with slaves. Wives condoning it! Parents picking favorites. Lies. Deceit. Lost souls in sin for 40 years. But His handy-work proved perfect thru it all as He graciously fulfilled every promise made to mankind even in man’s worst mistakes! Jesus Himself came from a long line of imperfect people.
God’s plan prevailed and His promises all perfectly preserved…right down to you and me and our messy little lives and living rooms filled with toys and laundry! His promises will prevail here too.
That’s why we can fully and completely embrace every mess that mottles up our lives. We are cherished and loved by the same God today that then loved imperfect Abraham, Rachel, Rebecca and David. God made meaning from their messes. He made mountains from their tied up and twisted human mistakes.
God served His purpose in the imperfect lives of those who failed and were fraught with human pain because they remained faithful. They grappled with the same tough truths I do today. How God could make something better out of their flaws, grief and brokenness. How God’s promises prevail when we remain close to Him.
So, why might my life be any different? Filled with grief, frustration and struggling to drink from the dripping hose of single parenthood. But full of faith and learning to listen to Christ’s call more and more each day.
Let us remain faithful to Him in all circumstances so He can do His work through our lives messy with mindlessness, sin, struggles and hurt. Because when we remain close to Christ, lean every day on His wisdom, listening to His whispering calls in The Word we no longer feel lost or restless! We feel fulfilled!
All the sudden we are still. Still in our souls because our messes WILL mean something so long as we remain faithful.
You see now, don’t you? With every mess, every heartache, every broken spirit and bottled up, bruised attempt to live well comes a tough truth of purpose. In Christ, you can become better because of your brokenness! Embrace your tough truths with me, won’t you?
The hurt, struggles and stresses won’t fully go away. I certainly still long for my lost Love, lost to a painful cancer that wreaked havoc on his body and our infant family. But, I have peace knowing that God’s promises and plans for me are good! So, yes, I embrace the tough truth that only now after being brought to my knees do I live more purposefully, love more fully and listen to the Lord oh so intently.
Look at your life today. Are you remaining faithful in all circumstances? How is God working through your pain to create a much grander purpose in you life? ARE YOUR LISTENING? Embrace your life and all the tough truths He teaches you so you can become more of who HE meant you to be!
Living…and Somehow Loving…the Tough Truths,
Katie
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